WHERE'S MY PHONE -- I DON'T WANNA TALK TO HIM

HELL-O!  YEAH, SPEAKING.  WHO'SE CALLING?

OH, SO YOU CALLED ME FOUR TIMES BEFORE GETTING HOLD OF ME THIS TIME.  

YOU'RE RIGHT.  I CALLED YOU BACK FOUR TIMES AND ALL I GOT WAS YOUR COMPUTER.  IF YOU WANT TO TALK TO ME, ANSWER YOUR PHONE.

AH, YOUR COMPUTER IS VERY EFFICIENT, YOU SAY.  IF THAT'S THE CASE, GO ACCUSE IT FOR NOT REACHING ME.  

SO TELL ME, WHADDYA WANT?

Ah, you're wondering if I would like to make some extra money working 3 to 5 hours a week at home.  If that were possible, I might want to give it a try.  For whom, by the way.  Oh, for you, the Bozos with the computers.  Ah, I see.  That's what it is.  You work three hours a week and the computer works the rest of the time swallowing all the calls that I make to you when I don't answer my phone on the second ring.   Well, Sweetie-pie, go talk to your computer, I don't want to take too much of your precious three hour work week.

To all you lovely human friends of mine, I divulge that this is a composite paraphrase of at least five telephone calls that I have received over the last five days.  I am not exagerating the tone of the interchange.  It's my favorite pass time these days.  Here's my favorite.

Billy Boilerroom from Manila wants to talk to Mrs. Isabel Dion.  I say, "I'm her husband and she doesn't want to talk to you, especially not at 10:30 PM, Idiot.  I'm hanging up now and don't ever call this number again."   Billy calls back about two days later.  I have to be honest, he got his GMT time zones in line this time.  "Hello," he says, of course, "I want to talk to Isabel Dion."  I tell this beast of burden that I told him not to ever call this number again.  Furthermore, says I, "I Know that you're calling to make us change our cell phone carrier, and the answer is no."

This guy is getting tough and he insists that he has to talk to Isabel Dion.  I'm having fun, so there's no way I'm caving.   I TOLD YOU NEVER TO CALL THIS NUMBER AGAIN.  ONE MORE TIME AND I WILL REACH THOUGH THE WIRES AND CHOKE YOU.  GOOD BYE.  I like this, it's good therapy.  I decide to tell Belle what is going on.   I get the usual five hundred word sermon about being nice to everyone.  I then say, OK, you wanna talk to him, you're on.  The next time he calls, it's your turn.

Sure as shootin', Billy calls again and I say, "You're an animal.  I told you never to call this phone number again, and yet here you are. "  

"I have to talk to Isabel Dion."

"You know what, Billy boy, she is not going to change the wireless phone carrier because I pay the bill."

Billy, the Boilerroom Parrot says, "I have to talk to Isabel Dion."

"OK.  Is your boss around?  Are you recording this call?"

"I don't know to you, sirrr."

"Here's Isabel."

The conversation lasts about 90 seconds.  She says an emphatic "no" because the guy won't divulge who gave him the contact information to begin with.  He begs and he begs in great Pinoy form.  She gives me the phone and the line is still open and he's telling someone in the background in tear-soaked Tagalog that Isabel Dion just said "no."  I say into the telephone, and in Tagalog,  "See, I told you so, Animal."  The phone did not click, it fairly exploded.

Yesterday I got a call wondering if I would consider working at home for excellent money.  I said, "Yeah, I've only been looking for that for five or six months now."  The guy says, "Would you consider making a small investment of $200.00 to get started?"

"Yeah, Socrates, I'm out of work and I'm going to give you 2 C's to try out your scheme.  Go get it from the neighborhood dog."  Click.

Sweet Pea of a young thing calls and asks if I would consider going to school to train for the latest "Hot field of enterprise endeavors...Blah, blah, blah."  I ask, politely of course, "Do you call-center people use computers in your work?" 

"Oh, yes, sir, we do."

"Good.  Do me a favor and go check how many times I have answered your calls and declared my distaste for talking to you people."  Click.

With that, all youse lovely hearts are just going to have to imagine me pulling the garbage can cover over my tired body as I have decided to strengthen my resolve to be nice to everyone, without exception.  Just as soon as the telephone stops ringing.