AUTO DEALER OFFER / I COUNTER OFFER

THIS OFFER WAS IN THE COFFIN FROM THE TIME I OPENED IT

I know you can't read this because the print is too small.   But you've seen some of these "offers" to buy your car for the top of the Kelly Blue Book range.  I just got one today.  They promise to give you more than the price they start with if your car is in "better then excellent" condition.   If my car, or anybody's car, or even just their can opener were in "better than excellent" condition, even the Koch Brothers couldn't afford it.  Here's the letter that I mailed back to the sweethearts who sent me the offer.

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Paul Dion

23820 Ironwood Avenue 166

Moreno Valley, CA 92557

Spreen Honda

25050 Redlands Boulevard

Loma Linda, CA 92534

Hello:

Here’s the deal.  I own a 2004 Honda Civic Hybrid which is in better than excellent Condition.

It has 151,300 miles on it.

Cracked windshield

Some body dings and dents

Same “baling wire” fixes

The IMA light is on

The air bags went out at 16,000 and Honda refused to replace them at no cost to me

It still gets 40 miles to the gallon

It never got the advertised 50 MPG except with a tail wind while going downhill

It has just passed the 150,000 maintenance exercise for $700.00

Now that I have told you the truth, I dare you to tell me the truth.  You have absolutely no intention of ever paying anybody $8,379.00 for a car of this vintage.  It is clear to the discerning reader when along with the numerous disclaimers and caveats you put the cap on your offer with the absolute champion of all oximorons better than excellent.  On the day when you set eyes on anything better than excellent, I suggest that you join the circus or contact Mr. Ripley, or maybe even God Himself. 

Bottom line.  Give me $10,000.00 and a 0% loan for $7,000 for 60 months and we can talk.  Maybe.

Oh yes, I kept the fake check as a souvenir, suitable for framing.

Paul Dion