ANOTHER EMAIL, THE KIND I LOVE, BUT NEVER "FORWARD"

Oh, I came to my work table about 45 minutes ago and opened my email.  There it was, one of my favorite types of email.  I was in just the right mood, so I figured I would have some fun.  It's allowed because after all, the author of the original remains unknown.  
So, do what I do with these things: put yourself in your mental clown suit, put on your red bubble nose, your big floppy shoes, your white gloves and your pointy hat and proceed.  You'll see the symbol of the blank flag a little later.

1. Obama:      Bye                   Relax, he’s gone anyway.

2. Put "GOD" back in America!!!   You think if He were not here that things would be as good as they are?

3. Borders:         Closed!      Good, no more Canadians, Japanese, Indians, Chinese, Italians, Somalis, Nigerians, South Africans, Brazilians, Argentinians, Venezuelans, Cubans, Norwegians, Filipinos…did I miss any?

4. Congress: On the same retirement & healthcare plans as everybody else.  I agree, Medicare for us all.  That way we would all be equally unhappy at the quality of the healthcare in this country.

5. Congress:      Obey its own laws NOW!  That’s one I agree with.  Oh wait - will we enjoy the stock market sweetheart loopholes too?

6. Language:       English only!  Are you ready to pick one?  Make God more important and make the national language Aramaic.

7. Culture: Constitution, and the Bill of Rights!  What does this mean?  Culture?  Constitution?  Bill of rights?  I think we ought to try AGRIculture.  Since this is a bucket list, many of us will be there pushing daisies anyway.

8. Drug Free: Mandatory Drug Screening before & during Welfare! And before voting, and twice a year at random if you are a driver; and if you’re on unemployment; and if you’re on Medicare; and if you’re on social security and finally if you have to drive over 25 miles to work, random testing 4 times a year.                                                                      

 9. NO freebies to Non-Citizens! I agree.  All freebies that used to be rained down upon non-citizens should be distributed equally to all citizens for a once per month distribution.                         

10. Balance the budget.  Against what?  Nobody knows how much money we owe, nor how much money we have, nor how much money is being slid off to the side to foreign shelters, nor how much is being embezzled.        

 11. Stop giving away our money to foreign countries! Charge them for our help! We need it here.

Yeah, we need every penny we can out our hands on == % of GDP in foreign aid?  0.2 %

Campaign contributions and lobby money recipients (you know who they are)  = 0.5%

You’re right, Washington DC is a foreign country.

 12. Fix the TAX CODE!  I agree. Flat tax. NO deductions. No minimum allowance-you pay from the first penny.  ALL income, earned, non-earned, capital gains, EVERYTHING, no matter where it comes from on the globe, 15%.                     

And most of all.

13. "RESPECT OUR MILITARY AND OUR FLAG!!"We the people are coming!  Who cares?

We the people are here and we waste our money by buying politicians, trying to get them to do what we want and need, voting for idiots, liars, tax evaders and a host of other vermin.  So what is meant by “we are coming?”

Needless to say I didn't forward this fun-filled response of mine.  

LEARN TO SPEAK ENGLISH (Originally published in mid 2015)

I keep getting these moronic emails that keep yelling at people to learn to speak English.
To all you sweethearts out there who want to force anyone in the United States to speak English, there will have to be a law that allows you to apply that force.  So far, you're out of luck because the United States has no law defining an official national language.
Then, all of you bright luminaries surely don't think of the many variations of "standard" English that you have to choose from.  Which one(s) are you going to allow to exist here in the United States before you start arresting people for not speaking the legal form of English?
Think of it as an expression of our highly touted freedom. Yes, indeed.  We are free to do so many things.  We are free to move around at any time of day or night; free to stand on a street corner alone or in a group of five or fifteen; free to write nasty things about our government; free to say nasty things about the government in public; free to espouse the religion of our choice; free to marry the person with whom we are in love, even one who does not speak English for crying out loud!  Maybe worse yet, one who only knows how to speak Nigerian English.  Oh, pain and suffering! I've been living with a loving spouse who only knows Filipino English!  My children are irreparably damaged by the mental confusion caused by this horrible disability.  They may not even be truly American with this built-in speech warp!  
And what about me?  I was reprimanded the other day for a translation from French to English because it was rejected for being US English instead of UK English. That ignorance took $50 out of my wallet!  
So, all you freedom lovers out there, just what version of the English language are you going to legislate for our fair country?  Will my Scottish friend have to fear imprisonment for his total inability to speak US English?  What's going to happen to his freedom of expression?
So, dear linguists, enjoy the freedom that you have to write what you want about the language(s) we speak or don't speak in this country.  As for me I am going to speak whatever language it takes for me to get fed and/or find my way to the men's room.

Note:  The initial publication in Krusty Kurmuggin evoked a comment from my Scottish friend: "When I go to visit family in Scotland they repremand me for speakin US Emglish and using US slang terms.  Scottish English is the purest form of English."